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4 Things About Sex That May Surprise You

1 You or your partner may be less "Open" to sex than you think.

Though your thoughts may be inspired by "fifty shades of grey", your arousal patterns are likely to be more black and white. If you stop to think about it, you probably have a scenario or two that really "does it" for you. If you are like most people, that scenario involves getting suddenly very aroused by something you weren't expecting and then having a climax. The zing of your scenario is the surprise and intensity of your sexual arousal. The pattern is "excitement to arousal"—pretty much every time.

On the other hand, being truly open in sex is an uncharted adventure with a partner that allows you to move outside of your own sexual excitement and focus and join with another person in having intense emotional, mental, and physical contact with your erotic experience.

2 Sexual Dysfunctions are usually a healthy response to the sexual situation.

That's right! We are emotional, mental, and physical beings. We cannot sustain sexual health or responsiveness if something is happening in sex that is anxiety provoking, painful, or doesn't feel good.

3 The person in a partnership least happy with sex is likely the least aware or skillful at making intimate contact.

Yep, the person who thinks they are "more sexual" than their partner is telegraphing that they are very erotic focused during sex. It is unlikely that they are skillful at emotional, mental, or physical connection—"3 D contact" with their partner. (Partners who are skillful at making full intimate contact don't think in terms of being more or less sexual.)

When we focus solely on the erotic, it is challenging to be fully present in the moment. If we are not in the moment, we are not "with" our partner. We may be intensely erotically charged up, but are we there with our partner? If you are in doubt, ask your partner how they experience you when you are having sex.

4 A sexual encounter is not necessarily the most intimate experience in life.

Emotional, mental, and physical connection with an erotic encounter is.

Therefore, having sex to "get your touch needs met" is likely to prove unsatisfying and lonely in the long term. Erotic touching doesn't "feel" or tune into the person in the experience because it is centered in how sexually excited the touching is making a person. In contrast, full mind and body intimacy "sees", understands, acknowledges, and makes contact with your partner. The erotic excitement layers on top of the profound sense of being with your partner. The climax rather than being the goal of the encounter is born out of the intensity of being in contact with another person.

An orgasm while in contact with another person is supported physiologically with the "touch and contact" hormone called oxytocin. Bringing your whole you to a sexual experience intensifies the sensation and intensity of an orgasm.

Next time you are having sex try to be there "with" your partner on all levels, not just the usual "let's get sexually excited and have a climax".

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